Lately, I’ve been having dreams. In these dreams, I have a thick, dark, coily beard and it looks just like the hair on my head. My beard even connects; all the way from the sides of my face and remaining thick to my chin. In my dreams I am stroking it, bewildered. I’m in awe at the sudden facial hair but not entirely mad about it. I brush my fingers through the coils, and it gives me a strange feeling. I think this strange feeling probably has something to do with gender identity but my feelings on PCOS and gender are too confusing to get into.
Anyway, I think I’ve been having these dreams because I keep thinking about hirsutism. Hirsutism: the excessive growth of facial or body hair on women. I think many women, particularly women of colour tend to be more “hairy” so I’m not sure exactly what is classified as excessive. I did google it though and found an explanation that I’m not sure I entirely understood. I just want to know if the stubble on my top lip is normal. is my hairiness because I’m a woman of colour or because of PCOS? Is it excessive? These are questions I ask as I stare at myself in the mirror every morning. Although what I’m really curious about is if I dared to leave my moustache to grow past that initial awkward phase where it’s just a few hairs sitting there, how much will it actually grow?
As a dark skin woman, I’m acutely aware of my body hair, particularly facial hair. I don’t like how even after I’ve hastily shaved away the budding moustache, discolouration still exists there, making me looking like I have a permanent five-o-clock shadow. I don’t like how I’ve started regularly shaving my entire face because I feel self-conscious about the hair growing all over. I don’t like how hair removal methods are very painful for me with my low pain threshold, but I still do it just to avoid what I deem to be a hint of masculinity.
Beyond my insecurities, I really do not think body hair equates to masculinity, that’s why my dreams have been so interesting to me. On good days, when I pick up a mirror and stare at the stubble on my face, I don’t feel any type of way about it. Afterall, it’s just hair. But it is very upsetting how many women with facial hair have been made to feel about it. I did grow up seeing a few women with facial hair and now that I’ve been through this I can’t help but wonder if it was because they had PCOS. The bearded lady from the greatest showman comes to mind right now. I know it’s a fictional story, but I wonder if her beard grew so luscious and thick because of PCOS, or if it was something else.
I still don’t understand how much hair is classified as excessive, but I did find out that 70-80% of women with PCOS experience hirsutism. By those odds alone, I probably am dealing with it and my hair growth is excessive. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I do know that I don’t want to go a whole lifetime plucking, shaving, and waxing away my hair every couple of weeks. That kind of life seems exhausting. In the meantime, I’ll grow out my moustache just to see what I’m really working with.
Reference: Spritzer, P., Barone, C. and Oliveira, F., 2016. Hirsutism in Polycystic Ovary Syndrome: Pathophysiology and Management. Current Pharmaceutical Design, 22(36), pp.5603-5613.
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